I really shouldn’t be doing this.
For a start, I’m writing this in mid-November, which is still too early to be listening to Christmas music by choice, no matter how Christmassy you are. Secondly, there might still be someone out there who has read some of my reviews and thinks I’m a miserable grumpy bastard, an image I’ve carefully cultivated. How can I face those people after this? I might as well just admit it – I LIKE CHRISTMAS MUSIC!
Under controlled conditions, of course. Having worked in retail at Christmas on more than one occasion, there’s only so much of this stuff you can take before you want to scream MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! THEY MAY NOT KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS, BUT I BLOODY DO! TAKE YOUR DRUMMERS, AND YOUR PIPERS AND YOUR PARTRIDGE AND YOUR PEAR TREE AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR *AHEM!*
Sorry, bit of a tangent there. I’m supposed to be writing about the best Christmas music. As you will see, this is often exactly the same as the worst Christmas music, only heard a lot less frequently (or in some cases, just sung by different people).
This tracklisting is designed to fill an 80 minute CD. All of the tracks are available to buy somewhere, and I recommend that you do so. Please don’t go and download them in some illegal fashion - it’s Christmas! I’ll provide details on where to find each song as we go.
We’ll start with one of those reputation-destroyers - MARIAH CAREY - ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU. There go the last remnants of my credibility! Seeya! Anyway, despite any reservations you might have about Mariah Carey (and I have many of them myself), this was an almost instant Christmas classic, something very difficult to achieve nowadays – it almost sounds like it could be a cover of something from Phil Spector’s A Christmas Gift For You, which is high praise indeed as I’m sure you’ll realise before this article is over.
[Editors note: Russell this is just plain wrong.]
(From the Mariah Carey album Merry Christmas)
Track two is a little less well known, SUGGS – SLEIGH RIDE. Taken from his 1995 Christmas EP, this finds the Madness frontman in a silly, jolly mood. From the first vocal “Wha-hey!”, you’ll find yourself drawn into this bright, perky take on a classic tune.
(From the Suggs EP The Christmas EP. Good luck finding this one!)
Next we have the first of several tracks from one of the greatest albums of all time – A Christmas Gift For You From Phil Spector. This time, it’s THE RONETTES – FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. A Christmas Gift For You, often called the Phil Spector Christmas Album, didn’t have the best of starts – it was released on 22nd November 1963, when most people were too concerned with the assassination of President Kennedy to listen to some incredibly well-produced and sung versions of Christmas tunes. In later years it became regarded as something of a classic, and is an essential purchase for the discerning Christmas music fan.
(From the album A Christmas Gift For You From Phil Spector, like I said…)
Track four is another upbeat stomper – THE JACKSON 5 – SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN – and again, let’s ignore the stigma over the vocalist here. It’s a kid singing about Christmas, toys and Santa, and that’s cute. It’s also a kid with an amazing voice and the production values of classic Motown, which makes it just perfect. I considered going for their version of Little Drummer Boy instead, but this is quite simply a better track.
(From The Jackson 5 Christmas Album)
Track five is THE WAITRESSES – CHRISTMAS WRAPPING, one of those less traditional Christmas songs that has ended up on a million Christmas compilations anyway. The story of one woman’s busy year and her struggle to get together with the right man, ending with one of those little coincidences that’s supposed to make one believe in the magic of Christmas or something. It’s a good little pop song, and that’s enough.
(From The Waitresses’ album I Could Rule the World if I Could only Get the Parts)
Next, a real Christmas party favourite - WIZZARD – I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERYDAY. One of those perennial “Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without…” songs, with a choir of kids and everything. Get a few pints inside you, put this on and get grooving.
(From the 2006 reissue of the Wizzard album Wizzard Brew)
Track seven, and we’re going for another one of those “Christmas” songs that doesn’t actually mention Christmas at all, DEAN MARTIN – LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! Most people are probably more familiar with the version by Vaughn Monroe that plays over the end credits of the second greatest Christmas movie of all time – Die Hard – but I’ve gone with Dino.
(From the Dean Martin album Christmas With Dino)
Track eight, and we’re back to Phil Spector’s Christmas Album, and the first of three songs by the voice of Christmas herself - DARLENE LOVE – WINTER WONDERLAND. There are many different versions of this, but this is my favourite. Another song with no Christmas content, but every Christmas compilation usually has a few of those.
(A. Christmas. Gift. For. You. From. Phil. Spector. Buy it)
Track nine is the third non-Christmas themed song in a row. (Hmm. Better do something about that before it gets out of hand and I try to include Summer Breeze by The Isley Brothers). Anyway, track nine is TOM JONES & CERYS MATTHEWS – BABY IT’S COLD OUTSIDE. Taken from Tom’s 1999 duets album Reload, it’s one of the better tracks on the album and a great choice of singing partner for Tom.
(From the Tom Jones album Reload)
For some reason, scary horror stuff is quite common at Christmas – think of films such as Black Christmas or the Tales from The Crypt episode And All Through The House. The standard choice for ominous Christmas music, despite its cheerful lyrics, is a choral version of Carol Of The Bells – you may not recognise the name, but you’ll definitely know it, trust me. There were several versions of that tune that I considered, but I eventually went for the TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA – CHRISTMAS EVE/SARAJEVO 12/24, a piece for orchestra and rock band that contains elements of Carol Of The Bells with God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. It’s a very serious work about a man playing a cello in a war zone as a symbol of hope and peace – but as I’m an uncultured moron I’d prefer to pretend it’s the theme music from a pant-wettingly scary Christmas monster movie.
(From the Trans-Siberian Orchestra album Christmas Eve and Other Stories. File sharing networks will try to tell you it’s just called Carol of The Bells and has something to do with Metallica. Nope)
Track eleven is another from the soundtrack of Die Hard, the second greatest Christmas movie ever. RUN D.M.C. – CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS. The first verse tells of a night-time encounter with Father Christmas, the second of an average Christmas in Queens. There aren’t many well-known Hip Hop Christmas records, and this one is deservedly popular. After all, how often do you get to hear a scratch version of Jingle Bells?
(From the Run-D.M.C. album Greatest Hits)
We remain in the New York City borough of Queens but move from Hollis over to Forest Hills for track twelve – THE RAMONES – MERRY CHRISTMAS (I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT TONIGHT). Lead singer Joey Ramone was a big fan of Phil Spector’s work, and it shows through on this track just as much as their punk rock roots. A call for household peace at an often turbulent time of year.
(From the Ramones album Brain Drain)
The final part of our New York themed segment is a favourite of many, and another of those very non-traditional Christmas songs that have somehow become a big part of any Christmas celebration – THE POGUES AND KIRSTY MACCOLL – FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK. The recollections and ramblings of a drunken man in a police cell are not standard Christmas fare, and neither are lyrics such as “You’re an old slut on junk” and “You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas your arse, I thank God it’s our last”. On the other hand, has there ever been a more romantic exchange than:
“You took my dreams from me when I first found you”
“I kept them with me babe; I put them with my own. Can’t make it all alone, I built my dreams around you”
No, there hasn’t. Not just a great Christmas song, but a great song.
(From The Pogues album If I should Fall from Grace With God)
Track fourteen is even less traditional, and I would have said that it was unlikely to find its way onto any mainstream Christmas compilation album. Bizarrely though, volume 3 of the charity Christmas compilation album series A Very Special Christmas is exactly the place to find NO DOUBT - OI TO THE WORLD. Originally recorded by California punk band The Vandals, the song tells of a fight between a Sikh punk named Hajji and a skinhead racist called Trevor, and how they eventually found peace. The No Doubt version just edges out the original by virtue of being more Ska-based, and featuring a solo of The First Noel mid-way through. This is probably one of the less well-known tracks on the compilation, and another all-year-round favourite.
(From the compilation album A Very Special Christmas vol 3, and the No Doubt compilation Everything In Time)
Track fifteen sees the welcome return of the voice of Christmas, DARLENE LOVE – ALL ALONE ON CHRISTMAS. This song is apparently featured on the soundtrack to Home Alone II, but I wouldn’t know because, well, why would I want to watch that? [Ed: You’ve already admitted to liking a Mariah Carey song – so anything is possible] The first one was bad enough. Anyhow, this is a slight return to our New York sub-theme, featuring as it does references to NYC landmarks such as the cathedral of St John the Divine and the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. There’s the small matter of On rather than At Christmas, but we’ll let that slide.
(From the soundtrack to Home Alone 2: Look, get the hint kid! Your parents hate you!)
From Darlene’s heartfelt plea for people to unite for Christmas, we move to something a little less cheerful - MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES – XMAS TIME (IT SURE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT). Sorry to bring you down, but it needs to be pointed out – for quite a lot of people out there, Christmas isn’t “the most wonderful time of the year” – it can be downright miserable, as everyone around you flaunts their material wealth and happy family life. Please take a moment to reflect on those less fortunate than yourself, especially at Christmas.
(From the compilation album “a home for the holidays”)
We continue in an alternative vein with our next track, with a title that many of us would do well to take to heart - HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT – IT’S CLICHÉD TO BE CYNICAL AT CHRISTMAS. It’s a crime to mention HMHB without mentioning how much John Peel liked them. John Peel liked them. A lot. I cautiously recommend HMHB to anyone with an interest in alternative music that wants to branch out a little, as they’re certainly unique. This isn’t the only HMHB track with Christmas in the title, but it’s slightly more festive than All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit, and contains no references to Scalextric or Subbuteo. Or Ted Moult, Nerys Hughes, Trumpton, Bob Todd… oh dear, I appear to have lost all the Americans.
(From the Half Man, Half Biscuit album Trouble Over Bridgewater)
Track eighteen is something that’s well-known and yet utterly bizarre - BING CROSBY & DAVID BOWIE – LITTLE DRUMMER BOY (PEACE ON EARTH). Recorded for Bing’s 1977 Christmas special, the performance (which can be found in a billion places on the internet) begins with an incredibly awkward conversation about music and Christmas traditions, but soon they come to the piano and start the song. Bing croons the classic story of a poor boy’s musical present for Jesus, while Bowie, who apparently couldn’t bring himself to sing along, brings in a few words about peace and harmony. If you want a good version of Little Drummer Boy, check out the Jackson 5 version, which has been known to make grown (drunken) men weep. However, if you want a unique musical collaboration then this is your baby.
(Originally released as a single, but it’s on the majority of Christmas compilation albums)
Track nineteen is the second version of this track on here, included partially due to enjoyment, partly for comparison - COCTEAU TWINS – FROSTY THE SNOWMAN. Now, my indie cred never quite made it as far as Cocteau Twins, and this track was recommended to me by a friend. This song somehow manages to mix the sounds of almost textbook early nineties alternative music with a bright poppy Christmas tune about some children having fun with a living snowman, and is well worth checking out.
(From the Cocteau Twins 1993 single Snow, which also includes their version of Winter Wonderland)
Back to Phil Spector for track twenty – THE CRYSTALS – RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. Unfortunately, this version misses out the spoken word intro that details Rudolph’s reindeer colleagues (Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen). Their names are taken from the 1823 poem A Visit from St Nicholas, whereas Rudolph was added in 1939 in a children’s Christmas book which was adapted into this song. The book also mentions that Rudolph is the son of Donner, although later version have his father as Blitzen instead, which is odd because in most versions Blitzen is female. This also means that when the other reindeer laughed and called him names and wouldn’t let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games, the group included his parents. See? Educational.
(Spector. Christmas.)
Track twenty-one, and we’re heading toward the end now, so let’s amp things up a little bit with THE DICKIES – SILENT NIGHT, a little slice of California punk rock. Sure, it’s only the first verse and the chorus repeated over jangling guitar and jingling bells, but it does the job and gets you jumping around like an idiot.
(From the expanded version of The Dickies album The Incredible Shrinking Dickies)
Next up, a bit of retro-styled hard rock from THE DARKNESS – CHRISTMAS TIME (DON’T LET THE BELLS END). Another instant classic, complete with jingling bells and a choir of children, over which Justin Hawkins’ falsetto vocal stylings are in full flow. Grab your air guitar and get rocking – COME ON, KIDS!
(Released as a single)
Next up, a little controversy. KYLIE MINOGUE – SANTA BABY, as I take time out to dispel a little myth – the version you’re thinking of isn’t by Marilyn Monroe, but Cynthia Basinet. Marilyn never recorded it. This version just managed to squeak past versions by Eartha Kitt and Madonna, but I think Kylie’s take has the perfect mixture of sweetness and sexuality without taking either too far. A perfect little Christmas treat.
(From the Kylie Minogue single Please Stay)
The penultimate track is probably the best Christmas tune of all time, and it appears on the soundtrack of the greatest Christmas movie of all time - DARLENE LOVE – CHRISTMAS (BABY PLEASE COME HOME), which plays over the opening titles to Gremlins. For the Christmas Movies article in last December’s Fractal matter, I said the following:
“Most importantly, it features the greatest Christmas song ever recorded, Darlene Love’s Christmas (Baby Please Come Home). Die Hard has the second greatest, Run DMC’s Christmas in Hollis, whereas all Scrooged can manage is Annie Lennox and Aretha Franklin doing Put A Little Love In Your Heart – thereby proving that Gremlins is the best Christmas movie of all time.”
I stand by every word. Best. Christmas. Song. Ever. Sod the U2 version, this is all you need. No more words needed, the song says it all.
(Spector. Haven’t you gone and got a copy yet?)
Finally, no Christmas compilation, no Christmas party, in fact, no Christmas is complete without SLADE – MERRY XMAS EVERYBODY. Quite frankly, if you don’t know this one then you probably grew up somewhere rubbish and you need to do something about getting familiar with it pronto. If Christmas was a country, this would be the national anthem. When this comes on, everyone has to get up and dance like a stomping moron, or be considered a grumpy bugger forever. Rightly considered by the co-writer Noddy Holder as a “working-class British Christmas song”, it simply covers the little details of a real Christmas:
“Are you waiting for the family to arrive?
Are you sure you’ve got the room to spare inside?
Does your Granny always tell yer
That ‘the old songs are the best’?
Then she’s up and rock ‘n’ rolling with the rest”
< [>The best part of the song, the best part of any Christmas song ever (yes, even better than “Fiiiiiiive Goooooolllld Riiiiings” in The Twelve Days of Christmas”) comes at about the 2:48 mark, and lasts for about 7 seconds. Noddy Holder announces “It’s Chriiiiiiist-maaaaaaaaaaas!” – and it is.
(From the Slade compilation Feel The Noize – Greatest Hits, although if you’ve got a standard Christmas compilation without this track on then it’s obviously faulty and you need to take it back to the shop for a refund)
Well, that’s your lot. 25 tunes, a hair under 80 minutes. Merry Christmas.
(I would like to point out that I have been instructed that despite the heavy presence of jingling bells, I Wanna Be Your Dog by The Stooges is not even remotely Christmassy, which I why I haven’t included it here. Even though I really wanted to.)
-
Russell Hillman was born in London but now lives in Coventry. His hobbies include precious little. He doesn’t get out much, but thinks reading a lot of comics makes up for it. He’s wrong.